What Makes Us Tick?

Little comes to mind when I try to figure out how I eventually came across “AYLC.” But then I found myself one afternoon conversing with a good friend about many bizarre things we seldom talk about. It was an unusual chitchat that came right after we had a disturbing yet moving discussion in our Moral Theology class. At the back of our minds, there were the questions which we did not ponder on more deeply than before: “What makes us tick?” “What gives us life?” “How do we live our lives to the fullest?”

Those and much other questions and thoughts were what unusually sprung forth in the middle of our conversation. And that same afternoon some time in July, as we were going our way from the classroom back to the student publication office where we both serve, we happened to pass by the University’s bulletin boards where a certain AYLC poster caught our attention. All of a sudden my friend and I looked intently at each other as if trying to communicate through our eyes: “What now really makes us tick?”… “What now gives us life and the zest for life?”

Then we knew from that moment on, God was exactly calling us to live life to the fullest and to seize every moment of our lives—these we have taken on as our own mantra and philosophy in life from then on.

Drawing yet again from that fond memory, it was perhaps such unusual conversation, such earnest desire to ponder on thoughts I have paid the slightest attention to and such yearning for the meaning of life itself which altogether pushed me to set out and to embark on a long and tough journey which, albeit, would forever be dear to me. 

Keeping one’s self “together”

When the longed-for moment came (after the lengthy process, the nerve-wracking panel interviews and all) for me and for 80 other spirited, youthful souls to start off with our journey at the 15^th National Ayala Young Leaders Congress (AYLC), it suddenly sank in me: “Why me?”

There was, at first, a sense of being overwhelmed by how unimaginable it was for me to be chosen out of the many to take part in such a grandiose gathering of student leaders across the nation. The ability to have self-confidence always came up to me as a struggle I have to battle with as a student journalist. Time and again, I see myself as snob and aloof, and, therefore, hesitant in making decisions which do not satisfy the expectations of other people. At some other instances, this lack of self-confidence and the ability to trust in my own capabilities tends to pull me to different directions and causes me to be constantly torn apart by the many demands and pressure of my work as a writer.

Coming face-to-face with my own struggles as a student journalist and a student leader, I saw myself broken into fragments which made me feel even more undeserving of the opportunity to embark on this journey.

I came to grasp, however, that the AYLC was not merely an opportunity to become aware of my own strengths or to hone my untapped potentials but also an opportunity to brawl with my own weaknesses and insecurities or to challenge my deepest fears.

Many times during the congress, there had been a special routine that brought my fellow participants and I to share, discuss and explore on our respective leadership problems and difficulties. Gradually, this served as one of my “turning points” in the Congress. Each of my fellow workshop members’ sharing was like dripping water creating a dent in me. The fact that others had been more than willing to expose their own flaws and to make themselves vulnerable, as well as the fact that others had generously given of themselves to me altogether stood out as an immense challenge to the way I look at myself and my leadership.

Then it came to me that the very reason of my brokenness and self-fragmentation as a student journalist and a leader was not the lack of ability to have self-confidence nor the hesitation to make bold decisions because of others’ expectations. It was, in reality, the absence of a common thread that ties and keeps my whole self together which further divides me into pieces.

Ultimately I had to ask myself what ought to be this common thread, after all? The answer lies in having a vision of what we call in AYLC as servant leadership.  This vision moved me to go beyond the self and to start learning how to empower others, to make them realize their own hopes, aspirations and dreams. What we also call in AYLC as “litmus test” of servant leadership further had a great impact in me: “Do those served grow as persons?”   

Finding that common thread was what helped me find a bit of wholeness and peace. It even struck me that what I say or feel, or what others think or say of me would not matter much. It would be enough that I have served first and that I can place my confidence in God who would take care of the rest.

Call to pay forward

All the significant moments I had in AYLC gave me both joy and some kind of sadness. There was sadness at the thought of parting ways with new and dear acquaintances and there was unease at the thought of leaving. But perhaps the thought of leaving was somehow different in the sense that I would not be leaving behind what I learned, but more importantly, I am called and disturbed to pay my learning forward.

Our travel to Caleruega (Batangas) was another key moment during the Congress. There we had the chance to glimpse back at all the sessions and outdoor activities we had in AYLC; moreover, we had the chance to look forward and to see what we would be of ourselves after the Congress.

When I tried to look back at the past three days of my AYLC experience, I came across one of our speakers’ pieces of thoughts for us: Thinking of our own leadership and our commitment to serve others, we ought to think that—in the words of our Lord himself, he who gave himself wholly to us—“Whatever you do to the least of my brethren, you do it to me.” And musing over the thoughts of Albert Camus: “Put yourself at the service not of those who make history but those who suffer it.”

Savoring the invaluable insights each of us gained from the Congress, we were then challenged to “pay our AYLC experience forward.” Little by little I became aware that this was the hardest of all the tasks I have to commit myself after the Congress. We had another sharing session then about our “paying forward” and in the letters we were asked to compose I wrote:

“The AYLC, after all, taught me that at the heart of servant leadership is love and genuine service. And so what Mother Teresa once said comes to mind: ‘to love until it hurts.’ Or phrased in another way: ‘Ang magmahal at magsilbi hindi dahil sa kundi kahit pa.”…A more gigantic role is thus set before me after this Congress—to re-echo my learning not only by means of more effective activities or more efficient performance of my duties as a student journalist, but primarily, by beginning to change myself when I go back to the community I serve, to challenge whatever grain of cynicism remains in my heart, to uproot all seeds of indifference and fear, to reconcile all the incompatibilities between ‘what is’ and ‘what should be’. ”

The “Magis” in me

Days have passed by so swiftly since I took part in such a really life-changing and unparalleled Congress. I would surely miss the friends I have known in AYLC and would continue to keep in touch with them in many ways. And back in Bikol, back in the University I serve, I am yet again a student journalist and an Atenean. Nevertheless, becoming a student journalist and an Atenean “yet again” has become, for me, “more” profound.

That “more”—magis—is now embodied in the way I view my role as a writer, a writer who does not write for writing’s sake nor simply to express his own thoughts and emotions. Embracing the meaning of servant leadership, I became aware that as a writer, I am everybody’s pen. I am the pen of those students who do not have the opportunity to express themselves whenever their rights are being trampled upon. I am the pen of those who do not have homes, those who cannot afford to have the quality education they desire, those who cannot dream because of their social condition. I am the pen of those who strive to have a better nation and those who struggle to seek the truth.

And in the many twists and turns in life I am yet to face after AYLC, that magis will be embodied in the decisions I will have to make: Ang daan ay tuwid at patag sa buhay mo noon/ Ngunit bawat pusong naglalakbay dumarating sa sangandaan/ Ngayong narito kailangang magpasya/ Aling landas ang susundin ng puso?/ Saan ka liligaya?/ Saan mabibigo?/ Saan ka tutungo?

In the end, my AYLC experience and that yearning for magis brought me back to the thoughts I had way before I embarked on this memorable journey:  “What makes us tick?” “What gives us life?” “How do we live our lives to the fullest?”

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Jeff is a 4th year Accountancy student of the Ateneo de naga University and was the former Editor-in-Chief of  ThePillars Publication.